Hallelujah.
Last night I found a journal of mine from about a year and a half ago.
Here’s a sampling.
” I have never felt like enough for anyone, especially not for myself. I want to be enough for me and for someone else. And I worry about this waiting time. This purgatory. I worry that it’s just another reminder that I’m not enough, and that if I were better, if I were prettier, if I were funnier, if I were less of me and more of anyone else, he wouldn’t need to wait. He would want me right away. He would drop everything to be with me and only me.”
HOLY SELF ESTEEM, BATMAN!
Doesn’t look like the beginnings of a healthy relationship, does it?
I can’t believe I wrote that. Oh, if I knew then what I know now.
I was so low then. That is not how someone in love should sound. I’m so glad I got out. I’m so glad I am where I am.
I hated myself back then. Desperate for affection and blaming myself when I didn’t get it.
Now? I FUCKING LOVE WHO I AM!!! I am weird and crazy and smart and ridiculous and I am CONFIDENT. I love me. I mean… c’mon, I’m fucking awesome!
Never ever again. My happiness and self-worth will never again be dependent upon anyone but ME.
